Friday, 22nd July 2011

Oh my darlingest journal, I am ever so sorry for neglecting you in recent days. Life has just been a non-stop whirligig since we landed back on Terra Firma from our tour of duty in the Commonwealth. Luckily Granny has forgiven me for flashing my knickers in Calgary and we are now best chums again {phewee!}. She is even lending me BP to exhibit my wedding gown in. At the time of the debacle, she had threatened to relegate the show to some backwater museum I'd never heard of (National Gallery??) but after Philip had a quiet word, she relented and we now have full use of the State Banquet Hall!!!! Hooray!

Do you think my top's too low-cut? I do.

I know she wasn't really listening

We have finally moved into our London pied a terre, a cottage in Ken Pal. I have read outrageous stories in the Mail about my spending £1500 on air fresheners. Lorks! Who thinks I have that amount of dough to splash; it was only a grand and they were Kelly Hoppen. Mummy LOVES Kelly and recently employed her to remodel the house following the wedding. She felt the day room and scullery could do with a spruce up, she's right, they haven't been 'done' for eighteen months (shhh, this is just between us diary) *shameful*

Big Willy and I went to watch 'Bridesmaids' this week in Llandudno. We sat on the back row, bien sur ( I have picked up some French on my travels, you see!) and totes chuckled all the way through. Hilaarious! I may go and see it again with Pipsy when we are in town next week and maybe squeeze in a trip to LK Bennett as I totes wore my nude platform pumps out with all the work I did in Canada.  My poor feet have only just recovered and that's only after two full paraffin pedicure treatment. Cripers! I am just so grateful to have some time to myself finally and recuperate over the summer...

BW and I are having a cosy night in tonight. I am making my speciality croque monsieur (see, more francais!) washed down with a couple of relaxing Smiroff Mules and then early to bed. 

An early morning beckons; I have to be up at 10.30am to head over to Buckers for customary Saturday cakes and tea with Mummy and Daddy. If the sun decides to shine, we may fit in a game of Croquers! Busy, busy bee!

Catherine

Friday, 8th into Saturday 9th July 2011

I am writing this entry from 37,000 ft above whilst flying through the North American skies on our passage to California; I just had to record the unnaturally cruel episode that has just befallen me:

Just past hence, Big Willy took a call from JLP (Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton) back at CH (Clarence House) who told him that news of my 'flashing' incident earlier this day in Calgary (see previous entry) had reached British shores, specifically my beloved Mail Online and that Her Majesty was absolutely NOT AMUSED. He was told Granny was so bitterly disappointed that I, her star pupil, had let the side down so drastically and had plunged the Royal Family into a new annus horribilis of shame!!!!

Immediate images flashed through my decimated mind of being exiled to the South of France like Mrs Simpson or to have to eke out the remainder of my days flogging Weight Watchers to America like Fergie *horrors*

'Please don't take away my HRH' I wailed, 'Life wouldn't be worth living!'

I could hear Mummy's pained screams of anguish as she saw all her hard work go down the drain, her daughter, once darling of the Establishment, now just a penniless ex-Duchess.

Through the maniacal tears, I managed to dig out my Smythson notepad and monogrammed Mont Blanc rollerball and began a frantic missive back to Her Majesty, begging for her mercy and throwing myself in front of her as her undying, lifelong slave servant.

Only then did I glance up to find Big Willy *rolling on the floor laughing* or ROFL as those on the 'street' say and in that very instant I knew, in the words of Noel Edmond's House Party, I had been 'Gotcha'd!'

Such cruel, cruel jokes. As if my life as a new Duchess isn't hard enough, I have to now keep one kohl-rimmed eye out for practical japes. It's like being back at Downe House *misery*

Friday, 8th July 2011 PM

Number of outfits worn: Five (including stetsons)

Number of Bucking Broncos ridden: Seven

Number of hours spent smiling: 21.2 (down from normal levels due to sad encounter, see below)

Risk level of lockjaw setting in: Severe - *Red Alert*

Heavens to crimbers, what a day! Firstly, I met with the brave little cancer suffered Diamond Marshall, aged six. If I wasn't such a dependable trooper, she would have nary reduced me to a puddle of tears; such bravery and spirit. 

Look, no tears. I'm such a trooper!

The occasion was totes ruined by a belligerent Easterly breeze though which left me doing a 'Lindsay Lohan' to the soldiers on more than one occasion in my primrose yellow, silk Jenny Packham summer dress *blushes*. It's a tremendously good job I have the legs of a racehorse or else I would be quite hysterical with shame. 

These tragic and sad occasions I witnessed this morningtide are part and parcel of life as a Duchess and I suppose my delicate heart will harden to such suffering over time. If only we had been pre-warned of the changeable weather, I would have worn my starchy linen dress instead and kept my Royal modesty in tact - *botheration*. Note to self: request daily weather/wardrobe pow-wow from hereon in

Good job I decided on underwear today.

Mummy always tells me to wear a slip. Mummy's always right, such a rock, not only to myself, Pipsy, Daddy and Jimbers, but to millions of other in Buckers and beyond. *Legend*

Earlier this evening, Big Willy said we were going to take a tour of Compton whilst in Los Angeles. I said I thought this sounded jolly nice, and asked if it was much like Old Compton St in London. He said no, it was the 'hood. Becoming increasingly perplexed by BW's new found lingo, I asked what the 'hood meant. Short for neighbourhood dear, he said, and the hood is always a bit 'rough'.

Oh dear, doesn't sound too much of a smashing time actually; the only neighbourhood I've been through is inner-city Reading and that was from the confines of Mummy's Audi A4 estate with the doors locked but I am a gung-ho girl, nothing fazes me, so I will do my duty and follow the lead. 

BW also told me not to wear any blue or red whilst we are cruising through said "'hood". I said this was a darn shame as I had just packed my scarlet satin and wool Catherine Walker coat! *what a to do*

Sunday 3rd of July 2011 AM

Number of outfits worn: 2 (so far)

Number of Love Boats sailed upon: One 

Number of hours spent smiling: 15 (and it's only lunchtime)

Risk level of lockjaw setting in: Elevated

Had a bonkers dream last night that I was chef de partie at the Institut de tourisme et de l'hotellerie de Quebec! I wore chef whites and whipped Big Willy at the lobster souffle and croustillant a l’effiloche de canard confit...but then as I fully emerged from my reverie, I realised that it was actually the day I had lived yesterday! Amaze! Life is so cray cray right now, it's hard for me to distinguish between dreams and reality.

Honestly, it's this big. I know, you wouldn't think so would you?

 Super fun was had all round at the cookery workshop and then it was Ships Ahoy! aboard the Love Boat *tee hee* aka the HMCS Montreal upon which we took an overnight river cruise to Quebec City. Such larks aboard a proper frigate, BW and I 'bunked down' in the head officer's quarters, oh, it was like being Kate and Leo aboard the Titanic *dreamy*. The bunks were a bit of a squeeze, but we are *so in love* it only adds to our adventure!!


This morning we were up at the crack of dawn for a repast with the shipmates and then off on more walkabouts. I do so enjoy getting to know the real Canadians, so welcoming to us newbies. I slipped on my second Erdem dress (more Canadian brownie points in the bag) and it was on with the show.

Why did I decide on all these lacy dresses? They're bringing me out in hives.

I did just hear rumour of some potential protesting in the city. Not sure what about, maybe a proposed bypass or pesky power station afoot. Anyhoo, I will totes flash them one of my winning smiles and nod with empathy to their cause, that should be sure to placate them; no-one can resist, apparently!

That's a long enough entry in the ship's log for now, busy afternoon ahead, more dress changes and soirees; soooo tiring, can't wait to be back putting my feet up at the Welsh ranch.


PS, I caught a glimpse of the Monegasque wedding cake just now. Totes ridic, too much vulgarity for words. They should have enlisted Fiona; now she makes a classy royal wedding cake.

Eurotrash

Saturday, 2nd July 2011

Number of outfits worn: 10

Number of bouquets handed to me: 537

Number of love trees planted: One

Hours spent smiling/laughing: 23 and 1/4

Risk level of lockjaw setting in: Moderate

Cripers, another long day! I thought the pace of this tour may ease up a bit with it being the weekend but no rest for the wicked (tee hee!); I haven't worked this hard since, well, ever!!!

Feeling a little homesick today, missing Mummy and Daddy ever so. So wish I was at Wimbers with Pipsy & co; she's keeping me updated via WhatsApp, but it's not the same as actually being there, especially for the Finals!

Another marvellous day in the Territories; in Montreal today. I do feel like I am falling a little bit in love with the place; such charming people and not at all as I envisaged.

Totes wrong choice of dress for tree planting & my tights are far too shiny

It is so lovely to fall into bed finally; my legs were so tingly-wingly from tiredness I had to enlist Big Willy (BW) to give them a quick rub. Just ordered up a cheese and pickle sandwich from room service - these banquets may look sumptuous but between all the etiquette and ambassador chit-chat, I hardly get chance to put fork to mouth before the course is cleared. Totes ravenous by the end of the day!

Just managed to grab a quick five minute peek at the Mail Online, *my guilty secret* to check on the 'other' Royal Wedding this year in Monaco. Not a patch on mine, let's be fair. Sympathies to them on the awkward kiss, should have taken notes on ours - *so in love*!

Oh, Big Willy, you do look ever so handsome in your open-necked shirt *swoon*

I also see the Mail have done another comparison to my mother-in-law and I - *yawn* - shocker, we both wear red and white in Canada. What did they expect me to wear, stars and stripes?! Totes hilaaars.


Anyhoots, my eyes are closing so I will nigh be asleep. My jaw has just about ceased aching from all the smiling I did today so I may get a few hours of snoozles before daybreak. Quebec-kons tomorrow (see what I did there?!).

HRH Catherine